Paradoxically, children’s experience of rejection and disappointment at school is good for them, as long as it’s balanced with successful experiences too. They learn that they can cope and solve problems in their own way and that bad experiences don’t last forever. And they learn that sadness and disappointment can be managed too, which is an important lesson to learn to take into adolescence and beyond, when life is full of ups and downs.

Helping them move on

Most children recover from such rejection. They move on and form constructive, worthwhile relationships but some children need help. They often take rejection personally, blaming themselves. As a parent, it is useful to challenge children’s unhelpful thinking and encourage them to look for new friendship opportunities. Parents can help children understand that rejection may happen for any number of reasons that are unrelated to them.

In the course of a school day, children will meet with a number of challenges and even setbacks. They may struggle with some schoolwork. They may not do well in a test and they may not be picked for a game that they wanted to play. Children grow stronger when they overcome their difficulties. The challenge for parents is to build and maintain children’s confidence levels to help them get through the rough times.

One way to help children deal with rejection and disappointment is to talk through problems or difficulties, recognising and accepting their feelings. Talk about various scenarios, discussing possible outcomes. The age of your child will determine the amount of detail. Keep things simple and avoid burdening a younger child with concepts he or she doesn’t understand.

Your attitude as a parent can make a huge difference to how a child reacts. If you see rejection or disappointments as problems, then your child will be hamstrung by this view. See them as challenges then your child, in all likelihood, will pick up your upbeat view and deal with disappointments easily. After all, confidence is catching!

To help children handle rejection and disappointment try the following four strategies:

• Model optimism. Watch how you present the world to children, as they will pick up your view.
• Tell children how you handle disappointment and rejection. Not only is it reassuring for children to know that their parents understand how they feel, but they can learn a great deal by how their parents handle situations.
• Help children recognise times in the past when they bounced back from disappointment. Help them recognise those same strategies can be used again.
• Laugh together. Humour is a great coping mechanism. It helps put disappointment in perspective. It helps them understand that things will get better. They always do.

The stronger the wind the stronger the trees, is the notion here. Supporting kids to handle life’s hurdles helps them to develop a lasting sense of resilience, which is essential for good mental and emotional health.